Stop the Movie! I Want to Get Out!

Episode #133 - Ultraviolet

Milla Jovovich makes her Stop The Movie debut in 2006's Ultraviolet. Jovovich plays Violet, a vampire in a futuristic dystopian society in which her kind are in a state of war with the uninfected. Her people are almost on the brink of extinction when she is tasked with stealing a weapon from the government, one that she is told will be used against the vampires in order to finally wipe them out. She soon discovers that she was lied to, and the object she steals is actually a human child... one which she must now protect with all of her lives, no matter how many terrible CGI battles she has to get into. We're told that there is a much longer "Director's Cut" of this film that explains everything much more clearly, but we'll be damned if we'll ever watch it. Grab your nose plugs, brush your fangs, and join us as we infect Ultraviolet!

Episode #132 - Enough

Jennifer Lopez returns with a vengeance in this week's episode review of Enough! Lopez plays "Slim", a woman who meets a guy in the diner she's working in, falls in love, gets married, has a kid, and embarks on what seems to be the perfect life. After years of wedded bliss, she discovers that everything she knew about her relationship is a lie. She soon becomes the victim of domestic abuse, a concept that is much too heavy and real for what this movie does with it. After being chased around the country by her obsessive and abusive husband, she decides to take things into her own hands, turning to the one thing that all abused women eventually turn to when they've finally had enough... UFC fighting. That's right, UFC fighting. No, really... UFC... fighting... Slim goes from a semi-realistic portrayal of a battered woman to Matthew Fox in Alex Cross in no time at all. Grab your wigs, don't call the cops no matter what, and join us as we change our identities and run as far as we can from Enough!

Episode #131 - Gods of Egypt

Gods of Egypt is a 2016 video game cut scene that tells the story of an "alternative Egypt", where the skin is white and the accents are varied. The lands is ruled by gods, who are giants with gold for blood. Current king Osiris is passing down the throne to his son Horus, when his brother Set decides to crash the party. After killing his brother and tearing out his nephew's eyes, he takes over the kingdom, enslaving the population and making life miserable for everyone. When a young man named Bek and his girlfriend Zaya plot to steal Horus' powers back from Set in order to give him the ability to take back his kingdom, things go wrong and Zaya is killed. Now, Bek must team up with an ornery Horus in order to overthrow Set and and rescue Zaya from the underworld before she's forced to cross over into the afterlife. This movie makes Hercules look like the most historically accurate film of all time. Grab your god spear, erect an obelisk in Andy Wolf's honor, and join us as we tear the brain out of Gods of Egypt!

Episode #130 - Rocky IV

It's Rocky Balboa vs Ivan Drago in this week's bout, Rocky IV! Sylvester Stallone returns as Rocky Balboa, the heavyweight champion of the world and owner of a sick ass robot. Rocky has grown comfortable in his life. He owns a mansion, has money and robots, and has a happy, healthy kid and a robot. When his good buddy Apollo Creed (not a robot) decides he wants to fight Ivan Drago, the new super human punching machine out of 1980's Movie Russia, Rocky is initially hesitant. After consulting his robot (presumably), he decides to help Apollo out. Well, that ends pretty badly for everyone involved. After burying his best friend and reminiscing about all the fun times they had splashing around in the ocean wearing tank tops, Rocky goes on a 45 minute training montage before facing Drago himself in the heart of Russia, recklessly leaving his child in the care of what has clearly and unfortunately become Paulie's sex robot. Grab your boxing gloves, put on some tunes to montage to, and join us as we break Rocky IV!

Episode #129 - Hercules (2014)

The Rock Dwayne Johnson stars as the son of Zeus (?) in this week's episode, 2014's Hercules! This iteration of the classic mythology finds Hercules working as a mercenary, using his legend to drum up business and strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. When a beautiful woman offers him a job defending her father's kingdom against the villainous Reece's Pieces, Hercules and his gang face the monumental challenge of training hundreds of helpless villagers to become fearless warriors. After leading them to victory, he quickly realizes something is wrong. His boss may not be who he seems to be, and Hercules may have been duped into helping the wrong side. Now he must fight to protect the young heir to the throne against the very men that he turned into great warriors. Hercules was a pet project of Dwayne Johnson, and if we've learned anything over the years, it's that pet projects are rarely easy to watch. Grab your lion head hoodie, prepare your death-mower chariot, and join us as we let loose the three headed hounds of hell on Hercules! With special guest Kristy Smorol!

Episode #128 - Batman Forever

Welcome back to the same Bat Channel! After suffering through Joel Schumacher's neon guano pile that was Batman & Robin, we just had to circle back and examine where it all went wrong! Batman Forever is Schumacher's first foray into Gotham City, pitting Val Kilmer's Batman against Jim Carrey's Riddler and Tommy Lee Jones' Two Face. When Edward Nigma, a budding young scientist at Wayne Enterprises is rejected by Bruce Wayne, he makes it his personal mission to get revenge against him. Meanwhile, Harvey "Two Face" Dent is enacting his own revenge against Batman, the crime fighter who failed to save Dent from becoming horribly disfigured. Nigma offers to team up with Two Face as his new alter ego, The Riddler! Together, the two wreak havoc on Gotham, aiming to uncover the secret identity of the caped crusader. Elsewhere, Robin won't stop whining and Nicole Kidman is in a constant state of near orgasmic arousal. Grab your lucky coin, slip into your tights, and join us as we psychoanalyze Batman Forever!

Episode #127 - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

This week’s review is a very timely one, with Disney recently announcing the production of a fifth Indiana Jones movie, much to the dismay of anyone who saw the fourth Indiana Jones movie! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, also known as “The one with aliens!”, takes place in the midst of the Cold War, where an older, wiser Indiana Jones has settled back into teaching (part-time!) after an apparent stint as a super spy during the second World War. He’s abducted by the Soviets, who need his expertise to locate a mythical relic that will give them great psychic powers. Things go south when Indy is double crossed and sadly killed in a nuclear blast. Oh… wait…he’s not dead? Oh, Shia LaBeouf is in the movie? Wait, all the action scenes are CGI? Prairie dogs? They’re making another one?! Harrison’s how old? Oh God…Grab your whips, put on our greaser jacket, and join us as we escape into another dimension from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull! With special guest Kristy Smorol! 

Episode #126 - The Last Witch Hunter

Vin Diesel stars in his very own Dungeons & Dragons fantasies in this week’s compelling review of The Last Witch Hunter! Diesel plays Kaulder, an immortal witch hunter (and apparently the last one) who works for the clandestine organization known as the Axe and Cross. When his closest friend is murdered by magic, Kaulder sets out with his new bestie, Elijah Wood, to find out who is responsible. After enlisting the help of Glinda, the good witch, they stumble upon a dark secret… someone is trying to bring back the evil Witch Queen, the baddest bitch of them all! Now they must race against time to stop her before she unleashes a plague of bad on New York City! Grab your memory spell, fire up your flaming sword, and join us as we crush the cold, black heart of The LastWitch Hunter!

Episode #125 - Fantastic 4 (2015)

The Fantastic 4 are back! No, not THAT Fantastic 4! I'm talking about us! After a brief hiatus for the Holidays and general child rearing, we return, once again led by our fearless curator Alex Dunbar, to take on 2015's reboot of the Fantastic 4 franchise! In a film that is so poorly edited and paced that the final act is about 5 minutes long, Fantastic 4 (or Fant4stic) shows us the group of super heroes as we've never seen them before! Young and boring! When super smart Reed Richards develops a transporting device in his garage as a child, and then shows it at a science fair as a high school student, he's unknowingly stumbled upon a portal to another dimension (world?). Also unbeknownst to him is the fact that a group of scientists, headed by the super smart Victor Von BadGuy, have simultaneously created the exact same device, only full scale and unstable. They recruit Reed who, along with pals Victor, Johnny and Sue Storm, and Ben Rockface, successfully use the machine to travel to another dimension. Things go predictably awry and all 5 are given super powers. Only one of them decides to use his powers to destroy the world! After taking a few months off from podcasting, Grab your philips head screwdriver, fire up your power converter, and join us as we attempt to leave the Fantastic 4 behind on Planet Zero!

Episode #124 - The Star Wars Holiday Special

It's that magical time of year again. The time when we gather with our loved ones and dress in our finest red robes. The time when we get out our glowing orbs and stand next to a giant tree while Carrie Fischer sings to us about loving one another. The time when Rawwrraawrrrwarrrrrrrrr. It's Life Day! In the most embarrassing moment in George Lucas' career (somehow more embarrassing than Darth Vader yelling "Nooooooooo"), the Star Wars Holiday Special finds Han and Chewie trying to make it back to the Wookie home world of Kashyyyk in time to celebrate Life Day with Chewbacca's family. They're slowed up by a sudden attack of stock footage, leaving Chewie's father(?), wife(??) and son(???) to worry that he won't make it. After passing some time watching cooking shows and Jefferson Starship music videos, their house is ransacked by Imperial officers looking for any sign of rebel activity. Will Han get Chewie back to Kashyyyyyyyyyk in time to stop the Imperials and celebrate Life Day with his family? Who cares! Just show us more Bea Arthur singing in a Cantina, and we'll be sure to have ourselves a Merry Christmas. Grab your thingamajigs, whip up some "Bantha Surprise", and join us as we make things by hand... solo, with the Star Wars Holiday Special! With special guest Farah Jadran!