May 7th, 2015
Renee Zellweger and Matthew McCan.... MacCona.... Ward from The Paperboy star in the fourth installment of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise! Meant as a reboot/direct sequel to the first film, TNG features all of the same exact scenarios from the original classic, but without any of that pesky innovation or originality getting in the way. Leatherface is now Whinyface, the chainsaw is not doing any massacre-ing, and the Illuminati are now in charge of the family. Also, McConaughey is walking around with Lindsay Lohan's leg from I Know Who Killed Me. Fortunately for the careers of both of its future stars, nobody cared about this film when it was released. Grab your encyclopedia of famous quotes, charge up your remote control batteries, and join us as we fly a crop duster into Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation's face! Alright, alright, alright!
April 23rd, 2015
Newly minted "World's Most Beautiful Woman" Sandra Bullock makes her first appearance on the podcast in this week's review of 1995's The Net! Bullock stars as Angela Bennett, a computer hacker/beta tester who also happens to be the loneliest woman who has ever lived. When she's sent a floppy disc (ask your parents) to test out a strange glitch, she stumbles upon a secret which puts her life in danger. She finds herself on the bad side of some very powerful people, who employ Jack Devlin, the least effective hitman to ever carry a gun. Seriously, he can't even take care of an old woman with Alzheimer's. When the bad guys change her identity, take her life away and giver her STDs, Angela must expose their secret before Devlin finally figures out how his gun works. Grab your dial up modem, place your order on Pizza.net, and join us as we take The Net out on a romantic boat trip!
April 9th, 2015
Grab your ice skates, collect your baby teeth, and join us as we try to escape The Captive! All the while Cass is forced to work in the child sex slave industry by a super creepy opera singing weirdo. Wracked with guilt, Matthew spends the next 8 years doing everything he can to find his daughter, while also trying to prove that he wasn't involved with her disappearance. This film's jigsaw timeframe makes Pulp Fiction look like an exercise in conventional filmmaking. Reynolds plays Matthew, the father of a young girl, Cass, who is kidnapped while he was supposed to be watching her. This week's movie is The Captive, featuring Green Lantern/R.I.P.D. agent Ryan Reynolds! Welcome back, Interweb Friends!
March 26th, 2015
Nicolas Cage flies a plane in this week's episode of Stop the Movie! Will he land it? Will he crash it? Will his daughter forgive him for cheating on her mother? Will the dwarf overcome his xenophobia and inferiority complex? All these questions are answered, but only to distract you from the fact that this is a movie about the rapture that has little to do with the rapture! Who would have ever guessed that a film starring Nicolas Cage based off of the same source material as a Kirk Cameron movie would suck this bad! Grab your U2 tickets, take off your wedding ring, and join us as we lose faith with Left Behind! With special guest host Tim Ferlito!
March 5th, 2015
This week we dive into the chilling depths of the movie that brought an abrupt end to the Batman franchise, 1997's Batman & Robin! George Clooney dons the cape and cowl and nippled suit in Joel Schumacher's second attempt at ruining Batman for years to come. The caped crusader, joined by the eternally grating Robin, are plunged into a world of intrigue and ice when they come up against their lamest villains yet, Poison Mae West and Mr. Jack Frost, who have hatched a plan to destroy all life on earth and then repopulate it with the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. When Alfred's annoying niece Barbara joins the action as the judo chopping, motorcycle racing Batgirl, our heroes must band together to save every last life in Gotham City from an icy doom. Plus, ice = nice. Grab your batskates, fill up on diamonds, and join us as we chill out with Batman & Robin!
February 21st, 2015
Well, it's finally here. After months and months of teasing, we're finally reviewing Theodore Rex... It is a sad, sad day. Theodore Rex reluctantly stars Whoopi Goldberg as Katie Coltrane, a gruff police officer who is teamed up with a go-getter cop named Teddy to solve a murder. The catch? Teddy is a DINOSAUR!!!!! Wha-wha-what?!?!?! How wacky! Coltrane's borderline racism towards anthropomorphic dinosaurs get in the way of their partnership, but will they grow closer as they begin to crack the case? Will anybody care by the end of the movie? Nope! Theodore Rex is a film that Whoopi Goldberg tried her damnedest to back out of, but was convinced to stay on when a dump truck of money was unloaded upon her doorstep. Grab your cookies, get your tail under control, and join us as we try to wipe out the entire human race after having to sit through Theodore Rex!
February 5th, 2015
Jennifer Lopez stars opposite Not Channing Tatum in this instant CLASSIC, 2015's The Boy Next Door! J-Lo plays Claire, a high school teacher who makes the mistake of having sex with her next door neighbor, almost 20-year old Noah, a hunky and brainy young man who is trying to start over after the sudden death of his parents. After rejecting his advances, Noah ends up enrolled in one of her classes, where he begins to make her life a living Hell, threatening to tell everyone their secret if she doesn't accept him. This movie features the best "Great Uncle scare" of all time, hands down. Grab your first edition Iliad, prepare your epi pen, and join us as we drop an engine block on The Boy Next Door!
January 22nd, 2015
Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to the podcast and to the Conan franchise in Conan the Destroyer! Arnie plays Conan, former barbarian and current destroyer, who is coaxed into taking the virginal Princess Jehnna on a quest to find an ancient relic which will allow the evil Queen Taramis to awaken the dreaming god Dagoth. Together with warrior Zula (Grace Jones) and the Queen's right hand man Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain), Conan must safely escort the princess while also obliviously dodging her every sexual advance in order to retrieve the sacred horn and ensure the resurrection of his one true love, Valeria. Grab your giant maces, protect your virginity, and join us as we sacrifice Conan the Destroyer!