August 20th, 2015
Goldfinger meets Octopussy in our latest James Bond review, Diamonds are Forever! After killing his arch enemy and widower-maker Blofeld, Bond is assigned his next mission, infiltrating and uncovering a diamond smuggling ring. He goes undercover and soon traces the ring back to reclusive millionaire Willard Whyte. When confronting Whyte at the hotel he owns, Bond discovers that Whyte isn't who he seems, and that his nemesis may not be so dead after all. The plot of this film left us both shaken and stirred. Grab your cake bomb, power up your moon buggy, and join us as we blow up our pants with Diamonds are Forever!
August 6th, 2015
If I were able to actually mine a plot out of this mess of a movie, writing a synopsis would be a much less daunting task! In the year "whatever" a woman named Jupiter (Mila Kunis) is totally shocked when some aliens try to kill her, and even more shocked when a werewolf on rollerblades saves her life. Roller-Wolf (Channing Tatum) reveals that Jupiter is the most important person on Earth, and is in mortal danger because of it. When WhereIsMyShirt-Wolf fails to keep her from being kidnapped, he must stop her evil sons(?) from killing her and taking possession of Earth, where they plan to harvest every living human life and turn their essence into youth-goo. Grab your space skates, take a dip in youth-goo, and join us as we take away Jupiter Ascending's wings!
July 23rd, 2015
In the late 90's Hollywood finally gave us a movie adaptation that literally tens of people were clamoring for, a movie version of the 60's sci-fi series Lost in Space! In the year 2058 the Earth dying and will be unable to sustain life in a few decades time. A brave family of scientists, the Robinsons, are tasked with traveling into the depths of space to build a hypergate, allowing for the evacuation of the inhabitants of Earth to a more stable planet. Enter the evil Dr. Smith, a greedy man with terroristic intentions who puts into motion a plan that will end the mission before it even starts. Unfortunately for Smith, he's double crossed and is trapped on the ship as it takes off. His plan half works, and the family and their robot are forced to hurl their ship into the vastness of deep space, leaving them completely lost and searching for a way back home. Lost in Space proves once again that Gary Oldman can make anything watchable... Well, anything besides Tiptoes. Grab your PennyVision bracelet, feed your Blaarp, and join us as we get Lost in Space!
July 9th, 2015
This week we present to you a "lost" episode from the Stop the Movie archives! Join us as we mourn over John Carpenter's career and workshop our Jason Statham impressions!
June 18th, 2015
There can be only one Highlander... God, how we wish that were true! If it were, we wouldn't have to be subjected to the incomprehensible muck that is Highlander 2: The Quickening! Highlander 2 finds protagonist Connor MacLeod as an old man in the distant future of 9 years from now. He's retired from his Highlanding ways, and is content to just die of old age. When a face from his distant past forces his way into his life, MacLeod is unintentionally given back his immortality and youthful appearance. With his new lease on life, Connor decides to help a young terrorist in her attempts to uncover the truth about a world-protecting machine that MacLeod himself helped design and build in his younger days, all while Michael Ironside tries to keep himself from choking on all the scenery he's chewing. Grab your broadswords, PROTECT YA NECK, and join us as we send Highlander 2 back to the planet Zeist!
June 4th, 2015
It took us a while to recover from our review of Jaws IV, but we're ready to go back in the water again with Jaws 3D! Dennis Quaid stars as Mike Brody, the oldest son of bigger boat enthusiast Martin Brody. Mike is employed at Sea World, where he is helping to build a new underwater exhibit. When a Great White shark is discovered and captured within the confines of Sea World, it becomes the next must see attraction. After dying in captivity, it is soon realized that big mama shark is also within the park... and it's out for 3D blood! Grab your short shorts, fire up your crossbow, and join us as we pull the pin on Jaws 3D!
May 21st, 2015
Time: The Future. Place: Earth(?). Hair: Feathered. The world's water supply is under strict control by the Eco Protectorate, a militaristic organization that polices society and runs prison-like orphanages, where children are groomed for military service. A young boy named Daniel finds a mysterious orb shaped being in a cave below one of these orphanages, and he discovers that his new friend has magical powers. When a fellow orphan kidnaps the orb, Daniel sets out with his roller derby lacrosse hockey team to rescue it. At the same time, the Protectorate discovers the existence of the orb, and decides to find and destroy it for some unknown, but assuredly evil purposes. This film was arguably the low-point of the 80's "Young Children Find An Alien Being And Must Protect/Rescue It From The Government" genre. And no, I didn't forget about Mac and Me. Grab your roller skates, fill up your canteens, and join us as we knock Solarbabies around with a Lacrosskey stick!
May 7th, 2015
Renee Zellweger and Matthew McCan.... MacCona.... Ward from The Paperboy star in the fourth installment of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise! Meant as a reboot/direct sequel to the first film, TNG features all of the same exact scenarios from the original classic, but without any of that pesky innovation or originality getting in the way. Leatherface is now Whinyface, the chainsaw is not doing any massacre-ing, and the Illuminati are now in charge of the family. Also, McConaughey is walking around with Lindsay Lohan's leg from I Know Who Killed Me. Fortunately for the careers of both of its future stars, nobody cared about this film when it was released. Grab your encyclopedia of famous quotes, charge up your remote control batteries, and join us as we fly a crop duster into Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation's face! Alright, alright, alright!
April 23rd, 2015
Newly minted "World's Most Beautiful Woman" Sandra Bullock makes her first appearance on the podcast in this week's review of 1995's The Net! Bullock stars as Angela Bennett, a computer hacker/beta tester who also happens to be the loneliest woman who has ever lived. When she's sent a floppy disc (ask your parents) to test out a strange glitch, she stumbles upon a secret which puts her life in danger. She finds herself on the bad side of some very powerful people, who employ Jack Devlin, the least effective hitman to ever carry a gun. Seriously, he can't even take care of an old woman with Alzheimer's. When the bad guys change her identity, take her life away and giver her STDs, Angela must expose their secret before Devlin finally figures out how his gun works. Grab your dial up modem, place your order on Pizza.net, and join us as we take The Net out on a romantic boat trip!
April 9th, 2015
Grab your ice skates, collect your baby teeth, and join us as we try to escape The Captive! All the while Cass is forced to work in the child sex slave industry by a super creepy opera singing weirdo. Wracked with guilt, Matthew spends the next 8 years doing everything he can to find his daughter, while also trying to prove that he wasn't involved with her disappearance. This film's jigsaw timeframe makes Pulp Fiction look like an exercise in conventional filmmaking. Reynolds plays Matthew, the father of a young girl, Cass, who is kidnapped while he was supposed to be watching her. This week's movie is The Captive, featuring Green Lantern/R.I.P.D. agent Ryan Reynolds! Welcome back, Interweb Friends!