February 21st, 2015
Well, it's finally here. After months and months of teasing, we're finally reviewing Theodore Rex... It is a sad, sad day. Theodore Rex reluctantly stars Whoopi Goldberg as Katie Coltrane, a gruff police officer who is teamed up with a go-getter cop named Teddy to solve a murder. The catch? Teddy is a DINOSAUR!!!!! Wha-wha-what?!?!?! How wacky! Coltrane's borderline racism towards anthropomorphic dinosaurs get in the way of their partnership, but will they grow closer as they begin to crack the case? Will anybody care by the end of the movie? Nope! Theodore Rex is a film that Whoopi Goldberg tried her damnedest to back out of, but was convinced to stay on when a dump truck of money was unloaded upon her doorstep. Grab your cookies, get your tail under control, and join us as we try to wipe out the entire human race after having to sit through Theodore Rex!
February 5th, 2015
Jennifer Lopez stars opposite Not Channing Tatum in this instant CLASSIC, 2015's The Boy Next Door! J-Lo plays Claire, a high school teacher who makes the mistake of having sex with her next door neighbor, almost 20-year old Noah, a hunky and brainy young man who is trying to start over after the sudden death of his parents. After rejecting his advances, Noah ends up enrolled in one of her classes, where he begins to make her life a living Hell, threatening to tell everyone their secret if she doesn't accept him. This movie features the best "Great Uncle scare" of all time, hands down. Grab your first edition Iliad, prepare your epi pen, and join us as we drop an engine block on The Boy Next Door!
January 22nd, 2015
Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to the podcast and to the Conan franchise in Conan the Destroyer! Arnie plays Conan, former barbarian and current destroyer, who is coaxed into taking the virginal Princess Jehnna on a quest to find an ancient relic which will allow the evil Queen Taramis to awaken the dreaming god Dagoth. Together with warrior Zula (Grace Jones) and the Queen's right hand man Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain), Conan must safely escort the princess while also obliviously dodging her every sexual advance in order to retrieve the sacred horn and ensure the resurrection of his one true love, Valeria. Grab your giant maces, protect your virginity, and join us as we sacrifice Conan the Destroyer!
January 8th, 2015
Roger Moore's Bond James Bond is BACK in our review of Moonraker! A direct response to the success of Star Wars, Moonraker takes Bond where no Bond has ever Bonded before, as superspy James Bond becomes astronaut James Bond in order to save the human race from extinction! Billionaire Hugo Drax has devised the evilest of evil plans, which includes wiping out the entire human race by dropping glass orbs filled with poisonous gas from space onto the unsuspecting populace. Bond and his CIA counterpart Holly Goodhead stumble their way onto Drax's plan and into space in what proves to be the most over-the-top ending to a Bond movie since Kananga popped like a cheap balloon! Also, Jaws drops out of an airplane, bites some things, and falls in love. Grab your wrist guns, fire up your hover gondola, and join us as we fire Moonraker into the depths of space!
December 25th, 2014
Look out everybody! We're up to triple digits! Help us celebrate our 100th episode by joining us as we embark on a bona fide duckventure! For 100th episode special, we finally take on Howard the Duck! One of Hollywood's most notorious bombs, Howard the Duck follows the misadventures of Howard, an anthropomorphic duck who is accidentally transported from his home planet to a mysterious and magical place called Cleveland, where he meets Beverly, a rock and roller with big dreams who agrees to help Howard get back home. After their very first attempt results in a brilliant scientist being possessed by an alien, Howard and his human friends must stop the invasion of Earth by evil space Overlords while also finding a way to get back to Duckworld. It's a shame that Marvel hasn't recovered since the release of this, their first foray into motion pictures. Keep trying, Marvel. You'll strike gold someday. Grab your tiny duck condoms, take a mud bath, and join us as we send Howard the Duck back to outer space!
December 11th, 2014
The holidays are upon us, which can only mean one thing... We're about to review a movie featuring a character named Jack Frost! In the third installment of the Santa Clause series, Martin Short plays Jack Frost, a member of the League of Legendary Figures with a major inferiority complex who just wants his own holiday. On the verge of being thrown out of the league, Jack devises a diabolical plan to push Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) out of his job as Santa Claus so he can take over as everyone's favorite legendary figure. After being tricked into giving up his post, losing his family, and seeing the North Pole turned into a theme park, Scott must find a way to reverse what Jack has done and get his life back. Grab your snow globes, book a trip to "Canada", and join us as we convince Santa Clause 3 to wish itself out of existence!
November 27th, 2014
Winter's Tale is the story of a boy and his harse... except the boy is over 100 years old, and the horse is a dog. Colin Ferrell plays Peter Lake, a man living in 1916 New York City who has gotten on the bad side of a nasty demon named Pearly (Russell Crowe) who is Hell-bent on revenge. With the help of his trusty magical harse, Peter is able to evade Pearly's wrath long enough to fall in love with a young dying woman. After sexing her to death, Peter engages in a quest to find the meaning of his existence, a journey that takes him 100 years into the future. When Pearly discovers Peter is still alive in modern day New York, he sets out to exact his final revenge. Grab your model boat, order up some pan fried owl, and join us as we head-butt Winter's Tale with special guest Dora Scheidell!
November 13th, 2014
This week our skeleton crew takes on your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! Andrew Garfield returns as Spidey, who is having trouble balancing his superhero life with his love life, especially with his girlfriend's dead father giving him a posthumous guilt trip. Meanwhile, Peter's old chum Harry Osbourne teams up with Spidey's obsessive frenemy Electro in an attempt to procure Spider-Man's blood by any means necessary, while Peter also hunts down his father's darkest secrets. I'm sure there are three or four more subplots that I'm leaving out (something the filmmakers should have done). Grab your secret subway tokens, fire up your rhino suits, and join us as we Spider-Sass talk The Amazing Spider-Man 2!
October 31st, 2014
This week, Ed Burns sneaks back into our lives with a bag of fertilizer. That fertilizer, of course, is A Sound of Thunder! Burns plays Travis Ryer, a scientist that pilots time travel safaris for the bored and wealthy who want to experience the thrill of hunting a real life dinosaur. When something goes awry on one of these hunts, a butterfly effect is put into action, rendering the present unrecognizable. Burns and his crew must fend off monkey-dinosaurs and subway serpents while they try to figure out a way to go back in time one last time and fix what they've broken. The director of this film clearly had it out for the great Ray Bradbury. Grab your fertilizer, load up on ice bullets, and join us as we go back in time and erase A Sound of Thunder from our memories!
October 16th, 2014
Our second "Horror-able Halloween" movie of the year is 1981's Fear No Evil! I had a team of scientists, theologists, and satanists study and break down the plot for me, and they tell me that the movie revolves around Andrew Williams, who is as normal a high school student as they come... studious, awkward, the living incarnate of the fallen angel Lucifer, and a killer dodgeball player. While Andrew is battling with his hormones and ambiguous sexuality, two arch angels prepare to destroy the devil inside him once and for all. Also, some guy hits his girlfriend a lot and a priest puts on a play. Hey, sometimes it's tough to fill 90 minutes. Grab your birthday cakes, stay out of the crazy gym teacher's way, and join us as we enjoy the beautiful scenery of Boldt Castle with Fear No Evil!