Stop the Movie! I Want to Get Out!

Episode #73 - Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

Tim Ferlito rejoins the crew for this week's review of Mortal Bones: City of Instruments...  Boney Instruments: City of Mortals... Bone City: Instrumentally Mortal... wait... Mortal Instruments: City of Bones! Lilly Collins makes a return appearance as Bella Clary, a young woman who discovers that she is not a mere muggle mundane, but is actually the offspring of Shadowhunters, a sect of invisible demon hunters living in an giant invisible building in the middle of Brooklyn called Hogwarts The Institute. When her mother is abducted by the Clave, a Shadowhunter splinter cell, Clary must find the Holy Grail Mortal Cup before ex-Shadowhunter Valentine can get his grubby little paws on it, all while spearheading the creepiest love triangle this side of The Canyons! We're hoping the planned sequel to Mortal Instruments is mercifully put to sleep like a rabid werewolf. Grab your steam punky weapons, DRINK OUT OF THE CUP, and join us as hire Magnus Bane to erase Mortal Instruments: City of Bones from our memories!

Episode #72 - Knightriders

Nick Newert returns to the podcast to help us figure out George A. Romero's Knightriders! A modern day Arthurian tale, Knightriders is about a roving Renaissance Fair troupe famous for staging dangerously entertaining motorcycle jousts. When their increasingly delusional king, played by Ed Harris, refuses to sell out to THE MAN at all costs the group splits into two factions, those who want a big payday (led by Tom Savini) and those who prefer to live like hippies. Now King Ed Harris must come to terms with his own destiny in order to restore and preserve the integrity of the troupe, even if it means losing his crown. While this movie is certainly bizarre and ridiculous, we found it strangely and compellingly endearing. Grab your maces, oil up your bikes, and join us as we fight the Dragon with Knightriders!

Mini Episode - "Knightriders" Preview

This week we preview next week's glorious review of George A. Romero's Knightriders! Prolific guest host Nick Newert returns to help us delve into the bizarre and oddly endearing world of traveling motorbike jousting. Join us as we discuss our preliminary thoughts on the film, and be sure to tune in next week for our full review!

Episode #71 - Battle of the Year

This week we take a look at the 2013 b-boy classic Battle of the Year, starring Josh Holloway, Josh Peck, and Chris Brown's explosive temper! When hip-hop mogul Dante decides to sponsor a b-boy team to compete in the international Battle of the Year competition, he asks his old friend and dance-mate Jason Blake (Holloway) to be his coach. With the help of his new friend Franklyn (Peck), Coach Blake is tasked with turning a rag-tag group of the best darn b-boys America has to offer into a well oiled break dancing machine, bringing the BOTY title back to the States, and also saving hip-hop in general. No pressure. Team USA's shortcomings can probably be attributed to the fact that their choreographer doesn't appear to know how to dance. Grab your whistle, put on your Pumas, and join us as we watch Planet B-Boy with Battle of the Year!

Episode #70 - Getaway

Selena Gomez joins Ethan Hawke on high speed chase across Bulgaria in 2013's Getaway, only killing, like, 47 cops in the process. When ex-race car driver Brent Magna comes home to find his wife has been abducted, he's forced to complete a series of insane car-related tasks in order to keep her alive. He's joined along the way by Whatsherface Noname, an educated and totally not butch young woman who is somehow also important to the bad guy's plan (even though she should be the last person on Earth that he should want involved). The good news: Brent finds his wife. The bad news: The movie doesn't end there. Grab your magic hacking iPads, STRAP IN, and join us as we terrorize the streets of Bulgaria with Getaway, with special guest host Dora Scheidell!

Episode #69 - Paranoia

In this week's episode we get paranoid with Harrison Ford, Gary Oldman, and Liam Hemsworth! Nicolas Wyatt (Oldman), the CEO of a cell phone company called Wyatt Corp, forces Adam (Hemsworth) to conduct some good ol' fashioned industrial espionage on his bitter rival Jock Goddard (Ford), a shrewd and careful businessman with a product in development that will change the cellphone industry forever. Wyatt threatens to hurt/kill Adam's friends and sickly father (Richard Dreyfus?!) unless he finds and steals the prototype of Goddard's new phone so Wyatt Corp. can release it first, which will prevent his company from going under. Incredibly, with his own father's life on the line, Adam still finds the time to bang Amber Heard 3 or 4 times. Grab another bottle of Ciroc, ask for directions to the bathroom, and join us as we invent "Text TV" with Paranoia!

Episode #68 - Sharknado

To kick off our third year of talking about bad movies, we reel in a big one! This week we're taking a look at the instant cult classic Sharknado! 90210's Ian Ziering and rehab's Tara Reid star in this 2013 SyFy Original about an on-again off-again storm that has washed thousands of sharks ashore in Los Angeles. When the storm destroys Fin Shepard's (Ziering) bar, he sets off with his best friend, an employee, and a drunk guy to find and rescue his estranged family, and to take on mother nature herself! Who would have ever thought that a SyFy movie starring Tara Reid would be this horrendously good?! Grab your chainsaws, put on your rappelling belts, and join us as we drop bombs into Sharknado!

Episode #67 - Jack Frost

Bluesman Jack Frost has a tough time balancing his professional life with his family life. Between playing raucous live shows in bars and lengthy recording sessions, he has trouble getting home for important family events like hockey games and sink fixin'. After dying in a tragic Christmas car accident, his son, Charlie, is left bitter and depressed, quitting hockey and snowball fighting. When Charlie builds a snowman in his front yard and blows some sweet notes on his magic blues harp, Jack is somehow brought back from the dead... in the form of a walking, talking snow-dad! Now Charlie must keep his father's resurrection a secret, as Jack tries to take full advantage of this special second chance. The epic, never ending snowball fight that serves as a backdrop to this movie would make a much more interesting film. Grab your magical harmonica, prepare to be depressed, and join us as we crush Jack Frost between two giant snowballs!

Episode #66 - The Canyons

Lindsay Lohan tries to resuscitate her career by starring alongside a porn star in the 2013 Kickstarter funded atrocity The Canyons. Lohan plays Tara, a largely unsympathetic young woman who finds herself in the least interesting love triangle in history. When her wealthy, swinging creep of a boyfriend (porn's James Deen) begins to correctly suspect that she is having an affair with her old flame, Ryan, he begins making a series of boring phone calls and weird, creepy threats. Now Ryan must make some phone calls too, while Tara sexes up everyone in LA. If this synopsis were The Canyons, this is where I would insert some boobs and a shot of an abandoned theater. Grab your cell phones, sign into you Text TV account, and join us as we swing with The Canyons!

Episode #65 - Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

2013's Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is a movie that is better than it has any right to be. 3 out of 4 present podcasters actually enjoyed the film. Hey... it was bound to happen! Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton star as Hansel and Gretel, who, after surviving a nasty affair with a witch with a candy house when they were children, have grown into formidable witch hunters who travel the countryside kicking ass and taking names. When they find themselves back in their hometown, they're tasked with taking down a particularly nefarious coven who have kidnapped a dozen children with the intention of sacrificing them in order to complete a spell that will make them more powerful than ever. Grab your holy bullets, team up with your favorite troll, and join us as we hunt witches with Hansel & Gretel!