Stop the Movie! I Want to Get Out!

Episode #71 - Battle of the Year

This week we take a look at the 2013 b-boy classic Battle of the Year, starring Josh Holloway, Josh Peck, and Chris Brown's explosive temper! When hip-hop mogul Dante decides to sponsor a b-boy team to compete in the international Battle of the Year competition, he asks his old friend and dance-mate Jason Blake (Holloway) to be his coach. With the help of his new friend Franklyn (Peck), Coach Blake is tasked with turning a rag-tag group of the best darn b-boys America has to offer into a well oiled break dancing machine, bringing the BOTY title back to the States, and also saving hip-hop in general. No pressure. Team USA's shortcomings can probably be attributed to the fact that their choreographer doesn't appear to know how to dance. Grab your whistle, put on your Pumas, and join us as we watch Planet B-Boy with Battle of the Year!

Episode #70 - Getaway

Selena Gomez joins Ethan Hawke on high speed chase across Bulgaria in 2013's Getaway, only killing, like, 47 cops in the process. When ex-race car driver Brent Magna comes home to find his wife has been abducted, he's forced to complete a series of insane car-related tasks in order to keep her alive. He's joined along the way by Whatsherface Noname, an educated and totally not butch young woman who is somehow also important to the bad guy's plan (even though she should be the last person on Earth that he should want involved). The good news: Brent finds his wife. The bad news: The movie doesn't end there. Grab your magic hacking iPads, STRAP IN, and join us as we terrorize the streets of Bulgaria with Getaway, with special guest host Dora Scheidell!

Episode #69 - Paranoia

In this week's episode we get paranoid with Harrison Ford, Gary Oldman, and Liam Hemsworth! Nicolas Wyatt (Oldman), the CEO of a cell phone company called Wyatt Corp, forces Adam (Hemsworth) to conduct some good ol' fashioned industrial espionage on his bitter rival Jock Goddard (Ford), a shrewd and careful businessman with a product in development that will change the cellphone industry forever. Wyatt threatens to hurt/kill Adam's friends and sickly father (Richard Dreyfus?!) unless he finds and steals the prototype of Goddard's new phone so Wyatt Corp. can release it first, which will prevent his company from going under. Incredibly, with his own father's life on the line, Adam still finds the time to bang Amber Heard 3 or 4 times. Grab another bottle of Ciroc, ask for directions to the bathroom, and join us as we invent "Text TV" with Paranoia!

Episode #68 - Sharknado

To kick off our third year of talking about bad movies, we reel in a big one! This week we're taking a look at the instant cult classic Sharknado! 90210's Ian Ziering and rehab's Tara Reid star in this 2013 SyFy Original about an on-again off-again storm that has washed thousands of sharks ashore in Los Angeles. When the storm destroys Fin Shepard's (Ziering) bar, he sets off with his best friend, an employee, and a drunk guy to find and rescue his estranged family, and to take on mother nature herself! Who would have ever thought that a SyFy movie starring Tara Reid would be this horrendously good?! Grab your chainsaws, put on your rappelling belts, and join us as we drop bombs into Sharknado!

Episode #67 - Jack Frost

Bluesman Jack Frost has a tough time balancing his professional life with his family life. Between playing raucous live shows in bars and lengthy recording sessions, he has trouble getting home for important family events like hockey games and sink fixin'. After dying in a tragic Christmas car accident, his son, Charlie, is left bitter and depressed, quitting hockey and snowball fighting. When Charlie builds a snowman in his front yard and blows some sweet notes on his magic blues harp, Jack is somehow brought back from the dead... in the form of a walking, talking snow-dad! Now Charlie must keep his father's resurrection a secret, as Jack tries to take full advantage of this special second chance. The epic, never ending snowball fight that serves as a backdrop to this movie would make a much more interesting film. Grab your magical harmonica, prepare to be depressed, and join us as we crush Jack Frost between two giant snowballs!

Episode #66 - The Canyons

Lindsay Lohan tries to resuscitate her career by starring alongside a porn star in the 2013 Kickstarter funded atrocity The Canyons. Lohan plays Tara, a largely unsympathetic young woman who finds herself in the least interesting love triangle in history. When her wealthy, swinging creep of a boyfriend (porn's James Deen) begins to correctly suspect that she is having an affair with her old flame, Ryan, he begins making a series of boring phone calls and weird, creepy threats. Now Ryan must make some phone calls too, while Tara sexes up everyone in LA. If this synopsis were The Canyons, this is where I would insert some boobs and a shot of an abandoned theater. Grab your cell phones, sign into you Text TV account, and join us as we swing with The Canyons!

Episode #65 - Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

2013's Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is a movie that is better than it has any right to be. 3 out of 4 present podcasters actually enjoyed the film. Hey... it was bound to happen! Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton star as Hansel and Gretel, who, after surviving a nasty affair with a witch with a candy house when they were children, have grown into formidable witch hunters who travel the countryside kicking ass and taking names. When they find themselves back in their hometown, they're tasked with taking down a particularly nefarious coven who have kidnapped a dozen children with the intention of sacrificing them in order to complete a spell that will make them more powerful than ever. Grab your holy bullets, team up with your favorite troll, and join us as we hunt witches with Hansel & Gretel!

Episode #64 - End of Days

This week we take a stab at the Y2K thriller End of Days, which stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as Jericho Cane, a former cop who finds himself in an apocalyptic battle with the Devil, whose biological clock is tick-tick-ticking away. Seriously... he's just aching to be a daddy, and he won't let anything get in his way. Robin Tunney makes a return to the podcast as the object of Satan's desires, a woman named Christine York, who was born under a bad sign and is now on the run from not only the Devil himself, but also from some well-meaning members of the church who just want her dead. Good luck keeping your bad guys straight... I'm still trying to figure out where Kevin Pollack falls in this whole thing. Grab your Michael swords, take a fiery leak, and join us as we crucify End of Days!

Episode #63 - Octopussy

This week we finally delve into the world of Bond... James Bond! Roger Moore leaves us shaken AND stirred with his sixth turn as the suave super-spy in Octopussy, also known as "the one with all the eggs". When a fellow double-0 agent is killed while dressed as a clown, clutching a Faberge egg, Bond is tasked with uncovering the circumstances around his ridiculous death. In classic James Bond fashion, Faberge eggs lead to a plot involving a nuclear bomb and a Russian plan to take over the world. Now 007 must team up with a bad guy who doesn't know she's a bad guy in order to stop the other bad guys from blowing up a circus on an American military base in a clever rouse that will trick the world into disarming their own nuclear bombs leaving Russia as the only superpower with atomic weaponry thereby giving them free reign to invade whomever they want which will eventually lead to a Soviet global takeover. Is the Cold War over yet? In a perfect allegory for what the Roger Moore era turned the character into, James Bond literally dresses as a clown at one point in this film. Grab your disguises, swing by Q Branch, and join us as we buzz saw Octopussy in the face!

Episode #62 - Masters of the Universe

Dolph Lundgren makes a triumphant return to the podcast, this time in a starring role. Lundgren plays He-Man in this 1987 live action adaptation of the classic He-Man cartoon, alongside a young Courtney Cox and a bafflingly cast Frank Langella. While in the heat of battle in Eternia with his archenemy Skeletor, He-Man is forced to use a magical device that transports he and his friends to 1980's Earth. Now with the help of a couple of teenagers, he must locate the "cosmic key" in order to get back home, and before Skeletor can find it and employ it for his own evil purposes. Not even the power of Grayskull would be potent enough to salvage this thinly-veiled toy commercial. Grab your Japanese synthesizers, put on your loincloths, and join us as special guest Ken Chapman helps us send Masters of the Universe back to Eternia!